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My friend, Chris, asked me today, to explain a little of what I am actually going through right now, so that he could better understand.
I did...at great length and I felt that perhaps the description might actually be a worthy subject to put on here too.
My doctor is FINALLY going to get me some CBT to find out...but only if I prove to her I can get out the door to go to the sessions! LOL!
It's an interesting process, how it works.
My panic attacks are very much linked to my body.
If I am going through a depression I can't eat. Imagine if you will, someone is chasing you and you are very frightened... the last thing on your mind is, "Jeeeez, I really fancy a veggie burger!"
When you panic, the adrenaline is ramped up and it stops you from eating.
When you don't eat, you become very weak and unable to do much of anything. You tire easily.
The being sick thing is just another of the possible reactions the body can have when it is in shock.
And when you have been sick a lot, it saps the energy out of you AND stops you from wanting to eat!
How it works?
There's a part of the brain called the amygdala. It is part of the reptile brain and controls "fight or flight"
When a person has been exposed to a succession of traumas over a long period of time, it sometimes forgets how to "switch off" and leaves the person in a permanent state of panic.
You can switch it off with yoga and meditation and I have done....that's when you see me out and about, living normally.
But once your amygdala is b0rked, like mine, it only takes a tiny thing to switch it back on again.
Mine is switched on by too many stressful events in quick succession.
A "stressful event" for me, can be classified as anything that makes me nervous.
Depending on my state of mind, that can range from a knock at the door on a bad day, to having to deal with crashing your car on a good day!
Scary fun, such as rollercoaster rides or snowboarding DO NOT make me frightened....they relax me.
Having to deal with every day life and people and crowds and noise?! Scary.
If you have had a succession of things that you personally define as "scary", you have a meltdown.
And then you have to start the process of recovery all over again.
Because I was laid out with Hamthrax for two weeks, I was already weak and then all the old patterns of behaviour came back with a vengeance.
The mind tricks you into avoidance strategies....mine is agoraphobia. Just stepping outside becomes a REALLY scary deal.
Talking to people is even worse!
Now when I am well, I struggle with people anyway...you wouldn't know it, but my OH knows!
I am/was in a band that toured the world and played some pretty big gigs. Life in a band is frantic and often very "skin of teeth". I LOVED it, but that still did not prevent me from throwing up before nearly every gig! I have always had nerves!
I have always been a very nervous and jumpy person who needs a lot of personal space. As a child, I wouldn't interact with other kids at all for many years.
I would hide under the table at Nursery school and just rock and scream....because of all the noise!
So, I guess part of this is just in my nature.
My doctor thinks that my Synaesthesia has a big part to play in it.
When you are in flight or fight mode, your senses become heightened.
Your vision focuses, your hearing becomes more acute and your muscles tense, ready to run.
If you already have heightened senses and ones that crossover on top of that, then fight or flight becomes even more intense.
It gets worse.
Sometimes, you don't even know what makes you suddenly start shaking like a leaf and dry heaving, with a racing heart and sweaty palms.
The trigger could be as simple as a sumbliminal image on an advert that triggers a deep rooted memory.
More often than not, it is something that happens that you are not prepared for.
For me, I need routine.
It could be a madcap adventure doing something rather daredevil, but I have to know the itinery and the timing. I'll happily hurl myself off a cliff as long as I know WHEN and WHERE.
I have a fear of being late...so if my OH is holding me up with a spot of dithering, I start to pace and get angsty.
I have a fear of unexpected guests.
This flat is my safe space and, rather like a vampire, you can only come in if invited...and expected.
Hearing other people arguing makes me very anxious, even if I am not involved.
So when the neighbours kick off (which they often do) I have to hide in the safest room in the house so that I don't have to hear it.
Speaking on the phone was a phobia for many years...but I have cracked that one to a certain extent because when one is a bit of a nutjob, one finds oneself *having* to use the phone! So habits can be broken.
This is why I think CBT is what I need the most.
I have an IQ of around 160. I know that this illogical behaviour is NOT logical.
Unfortunately, the part of my brain that controls my body's reactions is NOT logical.
It only knows how to control "run!" Or "Don't run!"
The trick is to learn ways to get the amygdala to listen to the cerebral cortex a little more and do as it is told!
I liken it to training a dog, really.
Where's Pavlov when you need him?!
I did...at great length and I felt that perhaps the description might actually be a worthy subject to put on here too.
My doctor is FINALLY going to get me some CBT to find out...but only if I prove to her I can get out the door to go to the sessions! LOL!
It's an interesting process, how it works.
My panic attacks are very much linked to my body.
If I am going through a depression I can't eat. Imagine if you will, someone is chasing you and you are very frightened... the last thing on your mind is, "Jeeeez, I really fancy a veggie burger!"
When you panic, the adrenaline is ramped up and it stops you from eating.
When you don't eat, you become very weak and unable to do much of anything. You tire easily.
The being sick thing is just another of the possible reactions the body can have when it is in shock.
And when you have been sick a lot, it saps the energy out of you AND stops you from wanting to eat!
How it works?
There's a part of the brain called the amygdala. It is part of the reptile brain and controls "fight or flight"
When a person has been exposed to a succession of traumas over a long period of time, it sometimes forgets how to "switch off" and leaves the person in a permanent state of panic.
You can switch it off with yoga and meditation and I have done....that's when you see me out and about, living normally.
But once your amygdala is b0rked, like mine, it only takes a tiny thing to switch it back on again.
Mine is switched on by too many stressful events in quick succession.
A "stressful event" for me, can be classified as anything that makes me nervous.
Depending on my state of mind, that can range from a knock at the door on a bad day, to having to deal with crashing your car on a good day!
Scary fun, such as rollercoaster rides or snowboarding DO NOT make me frightened....they relax me.
Having to deal with every day life and people and crowds and noise?! Scary.
If you have had a succession of things that you personally define as "scary", you have a meltdown.
And then you have to start the process of recovery all over again.
Because I was laid out with Hamthrax for two weeks, I was already weak and then all the old patterns of behaviour came back with a vengeance.
The mind tricks you into avoidance strategies....mine is agoraphobia. Just stepping outside becomes a REALLY scary deal.
Talking to people is even worse!
Now when I am well, I struggle with people anyway...you wouldn't know it, but my OH knows!
I am/was in a band that toured the world and played some pretty big gigs. Life in a band is frantic and often very "skin of teeth". I LOVED it, but that still did not prevent me from throwing up before nearly every gig! I have always had nerves!
I have always been a very nervous and jumpy person who needs a lot of personal space. As a child, I wouldn't interact with other kids at all for many years.
I would hide under the table at Nursery school and just rock and scream....because of all the noise!
So, I guess part of this is just in my nature.
My doctor thinks that my Synaesthesia has a big part to play in it.
When you are in flight or fight mode, your senses become heightened.
Your vision focuses, your hearing becomes more acute and your muscles tense, ready to run.
If you already have heightened senses and ones that crossover on top of that, then fight or flight becomes even more intense.
It gets worse.
Sometimes, you don't even know what makes you suddenly start shaking like a leaf and dry heaving, with a racing heart and sweaty palms.
The trigger could be as simple as a sumbliminal image on an advert that triggers a deep rooted memory.
More often than not, it is something that happens that you are not prepared for.
For me, I need routine.
It could be a madcap adventure doing something rather daredevil, but I have to know the itinery and the timing. I'll happily hurl myself off a cliff as long as I know WHEN and WHERE.
I have a fear of being late...so if my OH is holding me up with a spot of dithering, I start to pace and get angsty.
I have a fear of unexpected guests.
This flat is my safe space and, rather like a vampire, you can only come in if invited...and expected.
Hearing other people arguing makes me very anxious, even if I am not involved.
So when the neighbours kick off (which they often do) I have to hide in the safest room in the house so that I don't have to hear it.
Speaking on the phone was a phobia for many years...but I have cracked that one to a certain extent because when one is a bit of a nutjob, one finds oneself *having* to use the phone! So habits can be broken.
This is why I think CBT is what I need the most.
I have an IQ of around 160. I know that this illogical behaviour is NOT logical.
Unfortunately, the part of my brain that controls my body's reactions is NOT logical.
It only knows how to control "run!" Or "Don't run!"
The trick is to learn ways to get the amygdala to listen to the cerebral cortex a little more and do as it is told!
I liken it to training a dog, really.
Where's Pavlov when you need him?!