lizzie_swarf: (Default)
( Apr. 28th, 2011 04:19 pm)
Not dead.
Just wanted 24 hours free of the internet.
Back now.
lizzie_swarf: (Default)
( Jan. 20th, 2011 03:40 pm)
It seems to me that it is a daily occurrence in the news now that disabled and sick people are being singled out by this vile, draconian and quite frankly EVIL government for vilification and ill treatment.
Here is the latest:

Just how much more Nazi can this government get?!!!!

I am all for outing benefit cheats and lazy dole scroungers (well actually I am not and feel free to ask me why!) but to take away vital benefits and support from people who cannot see, people who cannot walk and people who are mentally impaired etc?????

And when these poor people who struggle to get back to work, find that they are just too ill to carry on and have to leave again...what will happen to them? They will be left with nothing!

Next thing we know, Cameron and his evil idiot-monkeys will be bringing back poor houses...

I despair...
lizzie_swarf: (Default)
( Jan. 1st, 2011 11:26 am)
Dear people who are very popular on FB,
PLEASE don't do one of those "Happy New Year" things and tag every single one of your friends on it.
My inbox is becoming overwhelmed by loads of pointless messages from strangers commenting on my "photo" returning NYE wishes!
Make it stop.
lizzie_swarf: (Default)
( Dec. 13th, 2010 11:18 am)

Please link to my blog if you get a mo.
I am trying to build up a portfolio of stuff so I can try writing a few columns here and there.

lizzie_swarf: (Default)
( Sep. 3rd, 2010 03:11 am)
I have kinda forgotten that this account exists as I have been busy struggling through life.
So what have I been doing?
I have been studied quite extensively for my Syn and quel-surprise I am well speSHUL. I am growing a little tired of all the Scientists wanting to study me, truth be told. But study me they do.
They find me all the more fascinating as I suffer from adult-onset epilepsy. They are fascinated to know how this interacts with the Synaesthesia.
To be honest, I just want this all to go away. I have reached a new chapter in my life. So much has changed and so little is the same.
The epilepsy lost me my job and the Syn gave me the ability to write a novel. My friendships have changed beyond measure and I find myself in a state of flux.
I am off to Oz for 6 weeks soon and then straight off to Canada.
Because we all know that running away solves everything doesn't it?
lizzie_swarf: (Default)
( May. 4th, 2010 05:38 pm)
Sorry for all the posting today (those of you on all of my filters!)

But I need to get me some cash pretty urgently and I had a Brilliant Idea™ that I would love to run by you.
I would be grateful if you could take a few seconds to fill out my poll.
Anyone who stumbles across it can vote, but I am keeping the answers hidden for your privacy.
If I get enough of a response, I will feed back as to whether this will go ahead or not.

If it does, I'll provide tea and coffee and nibbles- and you can bring booze if you wish! :o)

[Poll #1560174]
lizzie_swarf: (Default)


( Apr. 21st, 2010 06:38 pm)
R.I.P Sian.
I have never said this before as it is an evil thing to say, but if you had told us you were terminal, I would have gone to the highest of Powers That Be and given a name to take your place so that we could have kept you a little longer.
I would have been happy to pay the price for my decision.

This is why you never told us isn't it?
You bugger.

I actually do have time for once...I am on holiday and as such can stay up as late as I wish...which is very late as I like the silence and the quiet and the darkness.
I also like the sunshine- no, I LOVE the sunshine, but at this time of year I can get both. No shades of washed out grey- just light and dark, extremes with no compromise.

Those of you with partners- do you ever have long conversations sparked by some random thing you might see on TV or hear on the radio?
I shan't go into it here, but let's just say that the TV threw up some interesting coincidences today. It was as if it were SCREAMING at me. It screamed so loud that even A brought up one or two subjects that were just a bit too close to the bone for me to discuss with him. I put on my poker face and avoided them as if they were malevolent wasps.

However, the coincidences I will share on my LJ (I am a pattern spotter- can't help it!) are to do with exploration and dreams never followed.
It began when I watched Dr. Who a day later than everyone else and Patrick Moore, an old friend and academic colleague had a cameo role in it.
My first thought?
"Haven't spoken to him in ages, must get around to that."

A pointed out with his delightful bluntness, "Well you should get around to it soon as he can't last much longer."

A has been saying that for the past 15 years and the old bugger still hangs in there, but it would be good to see him face to face again as opposed to the odd E mail.

A little later we were watching the lovely Dr. Bri doing his planet thang and I mentioned idly that I had always planned to be an astro-biologist. I'd start small- studying bore hole matter for signs of oil and then move on. My degree was in geology and I specialised in micropalaeontology.
This would have held me in good stead for an Msc and then PhD combining two of my most favourite areas of study.
Things didn't work out.
I ended up somatising myself with a safe job with low pay and no prospects.
But me, being the eternal optimist found another outlet- music, writing, performing, drawing, that sort of thing.
My brain is never idle even when I am at my most poorly (like recently with all this blimmin' epilepsy doo-dah-wrongness).

But the thing I want to document here is simply this:
I said to A that astro-biology would be a DREAM job for me.

And he said: "Well if you want it then you had better get a move on. Time is running out. You only have a half life left."

I had never really thought about it.
I look about 12. I think about 12. I get IDed constantly and have given up trying to tell checkout people my real age- I have to lie and say I am 25 because the truth headfucks them.
But in reality (reality?! What's that? That's what other people do) reality, my time here is finite.
And it is running out.

But I don't just want to study more Science- I want to know EVERYTHING there is to know!
Everything, with the exception of perhaps football interests me.
If there is something I don't understand, I will study it voraciously until I do.
And then it dawned on me.

I don't have to enter the world of academia to learn the things I want to know.
I don't even need a Tardis.
The lust for experience and knowledge and the wherewithall to taste it is enough for a life span such as the one we humans have been given.

I don't have a desire or need to PROVE myself to anyone. I just want to be able to retain the sense of awe and wonder that surrounds me with every living breath I take.

So I can be an astrobiologist by proxy- the internet can see to that.
And all of the other stuff I want to learn. A taste of it is all I can ever hope to achieve, but imagine if you will, what it must be like for someone to taste chocolate for the first time.
That first taste must be like finding God.

So- I am a bit of a failure in many ways, or in the eyes of those who knew my potential.
But I am kind hearted and optimistic and don't really understand hatred or revenge or jealousy or any of the less virtuous elements that can blight the lifespan of a human being.
I am all about hope and perseverance and miracles. :o)

So when A said to me that I had better get a move on if I were to garner the things I wanted most but maybe could not have, I had an answer for him:

"Waddup? I have at least 40 more years dude. I could change the world with that amount of time at my disposal."

I probably won't of course, but my metaphorical glass will always be half full and I will seek adventure no matter the cost.
This is the latest crackpot bill the government is trying to sneak past us:

- An end to open wifi - in cafe's, libraries etc.
- the possibility of Individuals and organisations like Universities losing their net connection
- the ability to get any site on the 'net blacklisted without any 'cost'
- guilty until presumed innocent.
- legislation by business and the power of £, rather than for the good of the citizens.

This is the Digital Economy Bill lowdown.

It has implications for the ownership of your own photos on the net.

Here's a brief on the Digital Economy Bill

You only have until April 6th to write to your MP. So do it NOW. If enough of us make a fuss they will have to think twice about this.

It is an APPALLING state of affairs and we MUST NOT allow them to get away with this.

Spread the word...
lizzie_swarf: (Default)
( Mar. 25th, 2010 09:05 pm)
Live at Dingwall's in 2008.
My favourite song we ever did. I thank whoever recorded it with all my heart. X

Thanks to a question from [ profile] maxrael I had a search and found that Swarf have stuff on You Tube.
Here is one of us in the BBC South studios doing a live session:

lizzie_swarf: (Default)
( Mar. 15th, 2010 02:23 pm)
This is quite one of the most disgusting stories in the world but I am off sick with a cold and not in a logical frame of mind.
I have made it a public post for a bit (but only for a bit) so that [ profile] megaleena can read it since she asked to hear it.
Blink and you shall miss!

Disgusting story. )
Have you ever found yourself thinking, "Oh, for Heaven's sakes just pick yourself up you layabout?" when you read of someone being on benefits or on long term sick pay for a mental disorder?

I think we all have and you know what? You should stop RIGHT NOW and think again.

I can't speak for what other people are going through but I would like to share a little analogy with you that might just make you think twice before judging others in the future.

What would happen if... )
Two people I thought were friends in RL and not just on here no longer appear to be LJ friends any more.
I wonder what I did to annoy them?

Well, if you snub me you get snubbed right back I am afraid.
Tonight, I am feeling overwhelmed.
A said to me, “you are not going to go all mad again are you, Sweetie|?”

I am not going to go all mad....never again.
Why would I want to do that?
But feeling unbearably sad....not lonely, just distant... that is part of who I am and part of what has always been.
I am going through another of my “little phases”.
I suspect it is a Synnie thing and hence this particular entry, but I have always had obsessions.
Incidents where I suddenly obsess over a particular subject, hobby or piece of music....whatever it takes to drown out emotions, or to allow them to wash over me in a wave of synapse-tingling splendour.
You see, we all have secrets.

My dirty secret is that I cannot emote....I can make people laugh, make them feel welcome, even make them wish that they were like me when I am on form.
But in private?
In private, I live in one of those glass balls that you shake and the snow rustles up from nowhere.
I am barefoot and the world beyond is distorted yet I dance and twirl with the snow, in my bubble of glass, hoping beyond hope that nobody peers in and sees my secret world.
If they did, they might ask about it and I might have to find myself trying to explain.

Synnies need structure in their lives, you see... they need to know up from down, what time to be at places and what to say that could be deemed as appropriate, once they get there.
Otherwise, life becomes a confusion of colour and sound and flesh tasting the beauty and horrors of this world simply by brushing against it.
It can be intoxicatingly beautiful and sensuous...but largely impractical.
It’s a daily battle not to give in to the Syn and to try and co-exist with the ones who accept grey as default view.

This may come across as rather arrogant....but trust me, if I could switch it off forever, I would.
It has done me no good in my life.
It is a miraculous wonder that anyone loves me at all... I am such a difficult and complicated character.
But I think the people that do love me, endure my oddities because I try so very hard to be be there as much as I can for those that I love.
I think people like me for the most part, because ultimately, the only person I have ever willingly born malice towards is myself. Everyone I meet is given an honest, open chance with no judgements made....every new person I meet is a potential friend and someone to be cherished if luck swings that way.

And yes, if I was granted one wish, that wish would to be insensitive, uncaring and devoid of colour and symphony.
It is safer, kinder less of Darwin gone wrong that way....

As I type this, I am overwhelmed.
It was simply a small conversation with a lonely person last night that prompted the whole cascade of emotions that I am currently wrestling with (and failing to control).

The beauty and infinite complicatedness of life itself makes for an unutterably heart broken Lizzie...