Tonight, I am feeling overwhelmed.
A said to me, “you are not going to go all mad again are you, Sweetie|?”

I am not going to go all mad....never again.
Why would I want to do that?
But feeling unbearably sad....not lonely, just distant... that is part of who I am and part of what has always been.
I am going through another of my “little phases”.
I suspect it is a Synnie thing and hence this particular entry, but I have always had obsessions.
Incidents where I suddenly obsess over a particular subject, hobby or piece of music....whatever it takes to drown out emotions, or to allow them to wash over me in a wave of synapse-tingling splendour.
You see, we all have secrets.

My dirty secret is that I cannot emote....I can make people laugh, make them feel welcome, even make them wish that they were like me when I am on form.
But in private?
In private, I live in one of those glass balls that you shake and the snow rustles up from nowhere.
I am barefoot and the world beyond is distorted yet I dance and twirl with the snow, in my bubble of glass, hoping beyond hope that nobody peers in and sees my secret world.
If they did, they might ask about it and I might have to find myself trying to explain.

Synnies need structure in their lives, you see... they need to know up from down, what time to be at places and what to say that could be deemed as appropriate, once they get there.
Otherwise, life becomes a confusion of colour and sound and flesh tasting the beauty and horrors of this world simply by brushing against it.
It can be intoxicatingly beautiful and sensuous...but largely impractical.
It’s a daily battle not to give in to the Syn and to try and co-exist with the ones who accept grey as default view.

This may come across as rather arrogant....but trust me, if I could switch it off forever, I would.
It has done me no good in my life.
It is a miraculous wonder that anyone loves me at all... I am such a difficult and complicated character.
But I think the people that do love me, endure my oddities because I try so very hard to be be there as much as I can for those that I love.
I think people like me for the most part, because ultimately, the only person I have ever willingly born malice towards is myself. Everyone I meet is given an honest, open chance with no judgements made....every new person I meet is a potential friend and someone to be cherished if luck swings that way.

And yes, if I was granted one wish, that wish would to be insensitive, uncaring and devoid of colour and symphony.
It is safer, kinder less of Darwin gone wrong that way....

As I type this, I am overwhelmed.
It was simply a small conversation with a lonely person last night that prompted the whole cascade of emotions that I am currently wrestling with (and failing to control).

The beauty and infinite complicatedness of life itself makes for an unutterably heart broken Lizzie...


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