I actually do have time for once...I am on holiday and as such can stay up as late as I wish...which is very late as I like the silence and the quiet and the darkness.
I also like the sunshine- no, I LOVE the sunshine, but at this time of year I can get both. No shades of washed out grey- just light and dark, extremes with no compromise.

Those of you with partners- do you ever have long conversations sparked by some random thing you might see on TV or hear on the radio?
I shan't go into it here, but let's just say that the TV threw up some interesting coincidences today. It was as if it were SCREAMING at me. It screamed so loud that even A brought up one or two subjects that were just a bit too close to the bone for me to discuss with him. I put on my poker face and avoided them as if they were malevolent wasps.

However, the coincidences I will share on my LJ (I am a pattern spotter- can't help it!) are to do with exploration and dreams never followed.
It began when I watched Dr. Who a day later than everyone else and Patrick Moore, an old friend and academic colleague had a cameo role in it.
My first thought?
"Haven't spoken to him in ages, must get around to that."

A pointed out with his delightful bluntness, "Well you should get around to it soon as he can't last much longer."

A has been saying that for the past 15 years and the old bugger still hangs in there, but it would be good to see him face to face again as opposed to the odd E mail.


A little later we were watching the lovely Dr. Bri doing his planet thang and I mentioned idly that I had always planned to be an astro-biologist. I'd start small- studying bore hole matter for signs of oil and then move on. My degree was in geology and I specialised in micropalaeontology.
This would have held me in good stead for an Msc and then PhD combining two of my most favourite areas of study.
Things didn't work out.
I ended up somatising myself with a safe job with low pay and no prospects.
But me, being the eternal optimist found another outlet- music, writing, performing, drawing, that sort of thing.
My brain is never idle even when I am at my most poorly (like recently with all this blimmin' epilepsy doo-dah-wrongness).

But the thing I want to document here is simply this:
I said to A that astro-biology would be a DREAM job for me.

And he said: "Well if you want it then you had better get a move on. Time is running out. You only have a half life left."


I had never really thought about it.
I look about 12. I think about 12. I get IDed constantly and have given up trying to tell checkout people my real age- I have to lie and say I am 25 because the truth headfucks them.
But in reality (reality?! What's that? That's what other people do)...in reality, my time here is finite.
And it is running out.

But I don't just want to study more Science- I want to know EVERYTHING there is to know!
Everything, with the exception of perhaps football interests me.
If there is something I don't understand, I will study it voraciously until I do.
And then it dawned on me.


I don't have to enter the world of academia to learn the things I want to know.
I don't even need a Tardis.
The lust for experience and knowledge and the wherewithall to taste it is enough for a life span such as the one we humans have been given.

I don't have a desire or need to PROVE myself to anyone. I just want to be able to retain the sense of awe and wonder that surrounds me with every living breath I take.

So I can be an astrobiologist by proxy- the internet can see to that.
And all of the other stuff I want to learn. A taste of it is all I can ever hope to achieve, but imagine if you will, what it must be like for someone to taste chocolate for the first time.
That first taste must be like finding God.


So- I am a bit of a failure in many ways, or in the eyes of those who knew my potential.
But I am kind hearted and optimistic and don't really understand hatred or revenge or jealousy or any of the less virtuous elements that can blight the lifespan of a human being.
I am all about hope and perseverance and miracles. :o)


So when A said to me that I had better get a move on if I were to garner the things I wanted most but maybe could not have, I had an answer for him:

"Waddup? I have at least 40 more years dude. I could change the world with that amount of time at my disposal."


I probably won't of course, but my metaphorical glass will always be half full and I will seek adventure no matter the cost.
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